Spiritual Wealth

Time

2008-07-01T18:14:00.000-07:00

Well, I am officially responsible for one little one this week as my parents took the two girls for camp. It seems like now I have more "Time". I love Time and never seem to never have enough of it. I watched "The Bucket List" two nights ago and it really hit home for some reason. I have always known that Time was a commodity. Before having children I took the Gift of Time for granted. There have been a million books written about this subject. After having my children, I find myself taking Time and using it as an opportunity to focus on whatever needs to be done, and then I do it. Home Improvement, filling out summer camp applications, returning phone calls, etc. When the "to do's" are taken care of, my next order of business has been to "refresh" so I can tackle the next round of whatever is headed my way. After exercise, Reading is my "refresher". I find reading to be a great release. I love to be challenged and educated as I explore subjects written by authors I respect and admire. Religion, Psychology, Health issues, I love to learn.

So, after watching the Bucket List, it got me to thinking. As I have been spending all this "Time" trying to figure out how I can best make my mark on the world, I have been missing out on my opportunity to "best make my mark on this world!" It was quite convicting. My intentions have been self motivated. Without educating myself as I read about Christianity, the ability to draw this conclusion that my reading was "self" gratifying would not have been brought to the surface. I know this. I just think that I need to be careful sometimes with how in the midst of my attempt to be Christian I get so caught up in the desire to know more, I forget the simple messages. I put my reading and the enjoyment reading brings in front of what what should be the focus, to Glorify him as I live my daily life. Reading about him has often been way more about me and my need for escape then for the intended purpose of being more like him. I believe if Jesus was living as a mom (that is a new perspective, ha!) he would be playing with his children and furthering his relationship with his spouse more then he would be using his spare time to read about the best ways to do something life changing, like spending quality time with those he found special.

Keeping the right intention and remembering this purpose is how I want to spend my Time. The Bucket List helped me see that. Strange how a movie or book that you really don't think will give a punch does things for us.
Time, it really is here as a gift so we can shine our light on others. It is just that simple.

The River

2008-03-19T17:40:00.000-07:00

OK, so I have been out of my blogger loop (whatever that means and how little of what I have done so far, can I can even call it a loop?) Regardless, I have been wanting to get back into it .............Things are so crazy these days!
I certainly "heard" today in Beth Moore's Bible Study video that I should just accept that Peace was never promised to be the body of water that stood still. Peace was never promised to be the Peace of a quiet pond, it will be and can be found in running water ....if I choose to find it there.
Peace is an internal state. I choose to make it that way, or not. I can find Peace in the running River of my home, all five of us strong willed souls swimming around trying to figure out which "stroke" will best meet the needs of what we are here for in this world. If I had to give all five of us a "stroke" to fit our individual personalities, I would have to say that Gracie is the backstroke, elegant and graceful........Elly, the butterfly-strong and set on where she is going, Michael, I am not sure yet......he is still the one that flaps around in anger or rests in peace, depending on the amount of sleep he gets........ Bret though is the Crawl, steady and Consistent. I could not ask for a better husband. No matter how testy it gets around here, he always stays grounded. I can safely say he would not say the same about me. I am not sure what I am, perhaps the Breaststroke, I enjoy the opportunity to come up for air on a regular basis as I count my blessings.......
I told my girlfriend Kelly on the phone a few weeks ago that things have been crazy lately and she summed it up for me so well, "Kath, things have been crazy for us for the last 8 years!". Her kids are the same age as mine.........I love when a friend that knows me well puts things in perspective. I really want to make an effort to stop complaining about how "crazy" my life is and concentrate more on the blessed parts of the chaos. So many people would love to have three beautiful children, a fabulous husband and the health of all...........I thank God everyday for all my blessings..............Let the river run through........:)

Part II

2007-11-06T09:46:00.000-08:00

When I took Alpha was when I started to unravel some of the earlier frames of thought I had regarding God and The Church. As much as I was searching for "something more", I did not want to get "swept away" by others thoughts. I wanted the outcome to be an accumulation of both learned knowledge as well as personal experience. I think one of the biggest mistakes any of us can make is just to "accept things as we are told," and so be it. I would not consider myself a good parent if my children did not have the ego strength to challenge, question and consider alternatives to what I teach them today. So, because of that personal value, I wanted to do the same with religion and make my experience be 100% mine.

Alpha is a 10 week course offered as a time to "Explore the Meaning of Life and Ask Questions". So, I got to Alpha one Fall Monday evening. After some persistence, I actually dragged my husband there as well. He figured the alternative of staying home alone with three kids for the preparation of dinner, baths, and the craziness that goes with our nighttime routine would leave Alpha as a no brainer. Ironically on the way home that first night, Bret told me that he really felt as if"that guy was talking to me, I have had those thoughts, I think those things sometimes." After a few sessions, it was Bret that would be talking me out of an excuse I may have made if the day were crazy and I wanted to take "one Monday night off".

What I remember most from Alpha was that it was really OK and even acceptable to question. I now look back and think that I have had some shame and guilt for even wanting to question the authenticity of it all. Bret and I would come home from Alpha (okay family and friends, get ready), we would put the kids to sleep, and instead of sitting on the back porch with a bottle of wine, we'd read the Bible. Can you believe it? ha. We started to look up things that were referenced and started to talk about what was discussed that night. Our relationship has always been close, but spiritual talk had not been big for us as a couple up to that point. I had my spiritual friends for that kind of stuff! Even today, he and I are growing and pretty much continue exploring together with our spiritual walks. So, through the Fall of 2007 we listened to the speakers, discussed the group conversations and had many times of questioning together.

Erin and Jed (my sister and her husband) took Alpha with us. Between us four there were many Alpha talks and discussions regarding the subject of the week. But, all was not perfect! I must say that there were times that we felt others were much further along then we were. Sometimes I found myself wanting to be where some of those people were because they seemed so sure of the whole religion thing. Sometimes I found myself NOT wanting to be where some of them were too. I mostly wished that I would just get off the fence and either "be there" or not. I guess you can say I was buying a lot of it, but still was not sure about the what seemed at the time to be the"hokey stuff".

To be honest, some forms of expressions others used during worship (raising of hands, etc) did initially make me uncomfortable. Being raised in the Catholic Church, people just did not do that in church. Speaking only for myself, I even wondered at times if some of the people that were so "into" the worship were even authentic. Were they having some kind of contest to see who was the most demonstrative? I would even wonder, "Are these people replacing one addiction for another? Are they really feeling what they claim to be feeling? They are soooo into this!"

Now it seems that the answer is Yes, they may be, and even more then that, I can say that if there actions are truely authentic, it really is OK. He WANTS us to adore, worship and praise, with all of our beings. That in itself is an entirely different post, but I was in a place that I sometimes even wondered if it were all a sham, and worried about the possibility that I may be getting into something that was going to turn me into "one of those crazy people" with their hands in the air! I still don't raise my hands, but today I love going to St Andrews. I love being in Bible Studies and I DONT think any of it is a sham. It has almost been a year since Fall Alpha winded up and I continue to journey on. Stay tuned to see how I went from "Is Church and the Bible a way to stay on track as some kind of guide for a wholesome way to live life? To, I do buy it and know in my heart this whole Christian thing is true."

Recovering Poser, Part 1

2007-10-30T10:19:00.000-07:00

Okay, well these past few years I have certainly made some changes with my thoughts regarding spirituality. I had an epifany last night after doing my Daniel, Beth Moore study that was pretty enlightening. Sit tight (especially dad if you ever read this), but I need to confess something pretty big. Here it goes.........I have pretty much been a poser about Religion for a long time. Who knows, maybe one of you reading this are a poser too and you don't even know it!
I have always been an advocate of what the Bible says. I had been exposed to Religion throughout my life, attending Mass on a regular basis as a child and teenager, and even being enrolled in Catholic Schools for some signifigant periods throughout my life. My parents did a great job instilling the importance of Religion within our family and made a point to include exposure and applicaton throughout our growing up years. I have for the most part agreed with what I knew the Catholic religion and Christianity to be. But, through all of that, had I really researched the meaning behind the many stories I had been taught, really undertood the Creeds I memorized and recited, or truely got what grace or salvation meant? Did I just take it all in as "OK, this is what you want me to believe (dad, mom, teacher, Priest, -whoever was instructing me at the time), so I'll believe it b/c you are telling me it is so?

I think for the first 33 years of my life, this is exactly what I did! Unfortunately, there were even times that not only did I just accept what people told me, I had some "seasons" that I really did not care enough to listen, or even ask! I was living my life, things were going pretty well and who was I try and change that? Why would I call on God if I really did not even "need him?" I knew God and Jesus were "important" , especially during the holidays and when things were scary or unknown. But I certainly did not pray daily or attend church weekly. The extent of my relationship for a very long time with God was on an "as needed, check in when I should" basis.

When I just turned 34, I enrolled my two girls at St Andrews Day School. About this time is when I became pregnant with Michael and stopped working full time at the LCC. I needed something to "fill my day" as being a stay at home mom can get mundane if there are not regular things on the agenda. I had heard a lot of other mom's talking about Bible Studies. I thought, why not? I could have some kind of social outlet, get to know some "good people" and explore some of my spirituality. It had been a long time since I had "made time" for God, now as a mom getting ready for her third child, I figured it was about time to get my priorities a bit more balanced and at the same time figure out how I could incorporate the concept of religion more into my home.

So, I attended a Mom's Group at Christ Our King, the Catholic Church here. I loved it! I met such kind, good woman and really felt a desire to continue exploring whatever it was that I received there, b/c it really made me feel like a more well rounded person, mom and wife. As I was becoming more well rounded spiritually, I was REALLY becoming more well rounded physically! Ha. I remember the feeling of needing to put my feet up and wondering if I would ever feel athletic or physically strong again, I was very pregnant and not comfortable. I attributed a lot of my emotions about God at that time to being pregnant, of course I felt touched, vulnerable and moody! Little did I know that the seeds were really being implanted and the love I had for God would just continue way past pregnancy.

I remember a particular day in this mom's group we were talking about our "family mantra". A nun from Christ Our King was with us for this session and I really felt a pull towards her. As she was very serious, she also was kind and seemed to be one of the most content people I had encountered in awhile. She introduced the subject around families needing a theme, a central mantra that is all for them, and each member of the family knows what it is. One mom shared that hers was "Do your best", another was "Always try to be a good person in all circumstances" another "Tell the truth always". One mom then provided that hers was "To be the best version of yourself." She went on to describe that God has put us on the earth to glorify him. He made us all different intentionally. He wants us to discover our talents, and spend our life utilizing those talents. For young children it is so important to know that God did not make you like Suzy so you don't need to be as good as her in Art , or like Tommy, so you don't need to be as good as him in PE. He made you to be YOU. Nevertheless, she said she got this from an author she loved by the name of Matthew Kelly. Well, I went to the library that day and got Matthew Kelly's book, "The Rhythym of Life". If there were a book that put me on the course towards really wanting to explore life and purpose, this was the book.

I really wanted to work on becoming "the best version of myself". I knew from the book that balance was key and in it the author provided ways to achieve that balance. Even today,this continues to be my "mantra" and there are plenty of days that I am not the best version of myself. However, I really am "OK" with that, I just make sure to get back on track when I can.

So, it was about this time that I started reading as many books on religion, purpose and Spirituality that I could get my hands on. Those who know me, know this is what I do, I research, ha! I research any symptom of a particular body ache that I have, I research child development, jobs, travel plans, you name it! I love to research, so of course this is what I did. I read at least three or four additional Matthew Kelly books, The Purpose Driven Life, CS Lewis, The Unusual Suspect,and many, many others. The more I researched, the more I started to understand that my concept of religion was pretty off base. I had been so focused on what religion and God could do for me, that I was missing the entire point! Once I started to understand the concept of "Relationship" with God being pertinent to what this journey really was about, was about the time I signed up for Alpha, the fall of 2006. Alpha began for me an entire new phase of questioning, doubt, resistance, restructuring and reframing of thoughts, and finally acceptance and peace for what I now believe to be true about God.

Spiritual Wealth

2007-10-28T18:00:00.000-07:00

I am relishing right now in the overwhelming feeling of love that I felt today at church and I feel that if I don't somehow document the intensity of what I felt, I may never have the chance to capture it again. I absolutely felt that God and his love were present in such a powerful way that I can't really explain in words how incredible it was.

I felt so honored to be part of a church service that included the beautiful children of the Mizero Dancers. The joy and preciousness of their presence overflowed and certainly filled a place in me that had not been touched in a long time. The atrocity of what they had gone through, being children of the genocide, was so obviously something that they did not let define who they were or what lot they felt they had been given in life.

In fact, my perception was that they really were appreciative of this life, despite what they had endured. That accompanied by the sheer beauty of their beings made clear that they were here to celebrate life rather then ponder the "why me's" and the "what if's." The further along I go in my spiritual walk, the more it becomes clear that my life that is so full of wealth is something I need to thank God for everyday. As obvious as that seems, the further I get from him, the more I start to dwell on how I may not have what I feel I should at some certain place that I may be at that time. Today was certainly the Lord Jesus Christ reminding me once again, that it is not material wealth that we are here on this earth to enjoy, it is finding the love of HIM in all that we see, do and are that makes us rich.